Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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