Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
