Just fell off a train. Bad.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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