btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
