The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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