i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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