my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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