DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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