note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
