So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you didnt know i had herpes?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
