i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
