I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
