I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
