She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
