alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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