Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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