i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
