Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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