What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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