I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
