so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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