when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
