I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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