Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
