Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
