My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
