Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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