They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
