When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How naked do you want me to be?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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