My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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