They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
