my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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