I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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