I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
