Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
