If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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