Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
