Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
