Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
