You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
