The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
