i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
