im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
