i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
