thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Floor bacon is actually really good
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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