I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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