just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
