I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
