Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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