I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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