Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
