The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
